All I want for Post-Christmas/Boxing Week/New Years is an e-mail/cellphone plan

My requirements are simple:

- I need to speak on the phone

- I need to read and write e-mails

- I need to send and receive text messages

- I need to have voicemail

Ideally, I would also have:

- the ability to, very occasionally, browse the web

- the ability to read and write RTF and PDF documents

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What's stopping me? Well, for one thing, I can't for the life of me find a plan that does what it says it does. Example: half the plans that say "data" don't include data. Half the phones are sold out.

That's it. I'm going to have to go... *sigh* ...into a store.